and ever since then I've been afraid of toilets."  "Right."  "What else can I tell you about the second grade?"  "You know what JD lets fast forward, have you ever had a girlfriend?" "Yes.. No." "Have you ever fantasized about having sex with a man?" "Which man?" "Any man." "You mean like a tall man?" "Sure, whatever." "Cause I don't like tall people, they bother me." "Ok how about a short man?" "How short sometimes people can be too short, that's weird, like midgets." "Have you ever fantasized about having sex with any man, any man at all." "Does that include celebrities?"

If you think life is bad now, how would you like to be an egg? You only get laid once. You get eaten once. It takes 4 minutes to get hard, only 2 minutes to get soft. You share your box with 11 other guys, but worst of all, the only chick that ever sat on your face was your mom! So cheer up, your life isn't that bad!

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Old telephone books make great address books. Just cross out the names of people you don't know.